In the past few weeks, I’ve found myself in situations where I strongly disagree with something that is being said, and, unlike my old self, I don’t engage in the discussion.  I simply notice that I disagree, and leave the conversation alone.  This is very unfamiliar to me, and my mind wants to make me wrong for not “standing up for my beliefs”. 

But, does it really do any good to argue with someone who is so passionate about their position that they are incapable of hearing any other positions?  I’ve been spending more time stepping back and observing situations.  What has become clear to me is that there are two prominent situations where disagreeing with someone not only has no effect on their opinion, but has the potential to do harm to the relationship.

The first situation is when the speaker is expecting a “fight”.  You can sense and hear defensiveness in a person; and when they are highly defensive, anything that you say, any question that you ask, can be seen as an attack.  This is especially true if the topic brings up strong emotions for you or the speaker. 

The other situation that I’ve seen a lot of recently is when the speaker is highly passionate about their point of view.  This is especially true if the point of view invokes politics or religion; but it also shows up in workplace discussions, food/dietary discussions, or health care discussions.  When the speaker is so highly passionate about their beliefs that it’s hard to “get a word in edgewise”, why bother when any disagreement would only upset them?

Unless it is critical that your views are heard right away (such as in a legal hearing or court case), it might be best to say nothing and wait for a time when the speaker is not so highly charged.  Because the truth is; no matter how you try, your words will either start a fight, cause hurt feelings, or be completely dismissed. 

It is human nature to want to be “heard” and to have our points of view respectfully considered.  So, we often jump into arguments simply because we disagree with someone’s point of view – not because the disagreement has any impact on our lives.  In other words, we like to “put in our two-cent’s worth”, and we like to be right.  But there are many topics that have no true ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ – so what does it matter if we disagree?

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase about winning the battle, but losing the war.  When engaging in disagreements, you may win your battle; but at what cost?  When you step back and observe, you give yourself the opportunity to show compassion for defensiveness and understanding for passionate proselytizing.

You can say that I’ve mellowed, it’s true.  These days, I’ll take compassion and understanding over “being right” any day of the week.

Namaste!
Susan 

There are different levels of hearing.  It starts with the obvious:  correctly hearing the actual words as they are spoken. Sometimes I hear incorrectly.

Next comes the awareness that what we hear passes through our personal filter and is compared to information in our mind.  This awareness helps us realize that what we hear, and what was said, and what someone else hears, are probably not the same.  Also, it is good to be aware that what I say goes through my listener’s filter and may be interpreted very differently from what I intended to convey.  My number one rule is: when in doubt, ask for clarification. 

Having done a lot of personal growth work over the years, I have released a lot of my old emotions.  This helps when listening.  I don’t get offended, or emotional, or intimidated, like I used to.  Also, I can often see what intent lies behind the spoken words.  This makes life a lot easier. 

Conscious listening is a skill that can be learned by paying attention to what is said, asking for clarification; then, paying attention to what is going on in your own body and clearing out any old beliefs and emotions.  Over time, our whole experience shifts and life gets better.

Life is good.

Lots of love,
Wolfgang