Why am I here?  What is my part on this planet?  I would often question my purpose.  The wonder of my existence has been intriguing to me.  Answers to these questions were a portion of what I found as I awakened.

As I explored more, to the depths of my soul, it was the pressure [stress] that ignited me to achieve personal mastery.  I responded to life because there was no other choice.  This brought me to a path that I did not want to walk.  I surely did not want to open up old wounds.  It was a journey I wanted to continue without bringing the darkness with me.  So I thought!

I discovered my own truth in adverse conditions.  I did not believe the truth would be revealed during adversity.  However, it forced me to learn and take control of my destiny.  This was my transformation and time to heal.

I truly felt I was in a fish bowl looking out at turmoil and chaos.  Everything seemed misplaced and out of control.  I would act out with strange behaviors to hide my insecurities.  Control was the best illusion to play out.  It was a place that was believable to me.  I jumped in with both feet to hide out, avoid, and withdraw from others.  Then I became complacent.  It was easy to not try as a result of no responsibility and no accountability. 

Our “inner child” lives within all of us, yet we do not fully understand that this is not separate from us.  It is the key to the depths of each person’s soul.  This is a birth right we each have had from the time of conception.  As the imprints [energy matrix or energy stamps-see Spiritual Psychology by Steve Rother] are captured within our brain patterns and cell memory, our own emotional memories of the past affect the present and future.

These imprints are human traits to want to protect and nurture.  In time, we begin to cover up by repressing or suppressing our truth, thus holding it deep within the subconscious.  I found, through my research, that truth is about love and tranquility.  From birth through age 5, this birthright, love, becomes more defined either through life experience and/or environment.  From ages 5 through 8, a specific repetitive behavior becomes the illusion interpreted as being comfortable or safe.

Any time I take a look at being lonely, I reflect back to my inner child’s memories of times I was alone because I did not fit in.  The revelation was that this belief was my withdrawal to cope within an abusive environment.  I felt lonely because I wanted to be alone so no one would see that I was worthless.  This belief eventually led to feeling like damaged goods.

How many of you can recall your “inner child’s” memories through your dreams or daydreams?   You may remember these memories as pleasant and joyful.  I remember when I was full of bliss and laughter.  Everything was beauty, and everyone was love.  I remember this pocket of time as being accepted.  The picture of how I was feeling in that moment was clear.  Have you ever had these feelings?

Our development is encouraged even more from ages 6 through 8 when we learn from our home environment, amongst our peers, and from our educators.  During this time, we formed beliefs of our identity. 

For me, my native culture had a lot to do with it for me.  It wasn’t until age 5 ½ that I was taught I had no voice.  Speak only when you are permitted.  Live through expectations of others.  The more I was manipulated, the stronger my quest to be in search of where my inner child existed before then.

The beginning of the journey was futile until I went on to find my spiritual self and understand the conscious behaviors that surrounded me.  I recognized that I had lost the playful child and laughter.  The more I searched, I discovered that my self-expression, an imperative and critical part of our emotions and feelings, was restricted.

Everything seemed to fall away.  I was unaware of how my withdrawal influenced my decisions.  My perspective was always about “why is this happening to me?”  I observed that my response was to simply climb inside myself and avoid the feelings of being not “good enough.”  My willingness to suspend any responsibility was apparent, leaving the blame to circumstances, my parents, relationships, or culture.  It seemed like a constant roller coaster that never stopped.

Yes, life and our choices is our responsibility and we are accountable, but what image is being presented?  I found that my image was an over-achievement relationship.  I was always serious and seemingly responsible to do things right.  There was no flow or flexibility.  Everything in my life was about perfection.  Nothing else would work for me.  Have you ever felt this way? 

Here are some considerations for you to use in your self-discovery.  Before you begin, identify your "inner child."  Find this through being in a relaxed state, such as meditation or yoga.  You can use any method that involves closing your eyes and spending thirty minutes picturing yourself as a child between 2 and 8 years of age.  Then, ask yourself any or all of the following questions:

1.  How did you interact with your family members? 

2.  Recall how you got along with your friends and playmates.  Did you have fun?  What activities did you enjoy?

3.  How did you react within your school environment?

4.  How do you picture yourself in a family setting?  Are you happy, joyful, energetic, excited, and enjoying life?  Are you serious, solemn, down, sad, anxious, unhappy, scared, disappointed, or miserable with life?

5.  If you see your experience as an unhappy, serious little child, try to remember your last happy experience.  This last remembrance of your "inner child" is the memory before withdrawing inside yourself to cope with stress.

Are you ready to have your inner child back into your life again?  You must be ready to express a lot of distress.  But what do we do then?  It is a process, and it is not done all at once.  Remember it will take time when addressing your inner child.  The more your inner child is allowed to have freedom to express feelings and emotions, the more your child will in turn teach you what is needed for you to heal.

Getting in touch with our inner child is not always easy. At first it might seem that you just want to cry and cry. This is natural.  It is the pain and hurt that forced the inner child to go away because the child was not allowed to express these overwhelming feelings.  Instead it was safer to take the feelings with them.

Let the feelings emerge and accept all of them, even though it is painful.  Bring the love and trust into this vulnerable state.  Begin to value all those difficult feelings and validate them.  Allow your body to express the love you have.  Trust your instincts on this.  Let the child tell you what feels good to her or him.  Do not let any critical voices tell you how to feel or how to be.  This will be a valuable practice in loving yourself.  You will want to do this practice over and over as your inner child gradually learns to trust you. 

The majority of us spend our time making ourselves and each other miserable.  It is time to play and have fun.  Like love and power, fun is something we are ready to risk our very lives for.